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If You Ask Me: A Desert Island Drag

Sunday, 22 September 2024 08:00

By Flo Whitaker

As Paris returns to its usual state of late- summer slumbering – and the Olympic Games charabanc trundles off to Los Angeles, Flo Whitaker breathes a sigh of relief and comes out from behind the sofa

I’m a non-TV-owning, radio-loving nerd who’s been a devotee of Desert Island Discs for as long as I can remember, although the rules regarding the ‘luxury item’ have recently been relaxed by such ridiculous amounts, they may as well not even bother, (that far-off rumbling sound you can hear is Roy Plomley, spinning in his grave.)

Much as I love Desert Island Discs, my heart sinks whenever a sports personality is the guest. Sports people are undoubtedly highly skilled
at their chosen discipline; their commitment and work ethic cannot be questioned, but why do they all have to be so blimmin’ boring?

And you just know the music is going to be awful; a constant theme of ‘motivational’ dross, as the interviewee drones on about personal goals, accompanied by a soundtrack of 'My Way' and 'Simply the Best', culminating in a must-have record, which is probably something by the irritatingly-worthy Mumford and Sons – a band that brings me out in hives and was once described as sounding like, ‘A bunch of Guardian readers being put through a blender’. At such moments, I give up, muttering, ‘Things can only get worse’, and seek out a podcast to escape to.

The lack of TV didn’t stop a fetid trickle of Olympics reporting coming my way via the news channels, plus a few acquaintances who became self-appointed experts on disciplines they hadn’t even heard of a fortnight previously. ‘Sorry, but I have to postpone our meet-up tomorrow; it’s a seminal moment for the Fijian trampoline team, don’t-cha- know?’ No, I don’t know – or care, frankly. Which reminds me; Trampolining? Rock climbing? Ping-pong? Are these really sports? What’s the criteria? Who decides?

If, in 2028, they introduce sensible events such as sack racing, 100 metres egg and spoon dash, and five-a-side biscuit dunking, then I’ll definitely watch.

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